The moment when school is long behind them, yet real adult life has not begun, becomes a real challenge for the whole family
Psychologists call this state “stuck at the threshold”—when a person is an adult by age, but their lifestyle and responsibilities remain adolescent. Why does this happen, and how can you gently help a loved one take the next step?
— What do you think are the roots of this phenomenon, when a 25-year-old shows no drive to work or become independent?
— This state is often a form of protection from real adult freedom, which can be intimidating. The person seems frozen in a comfort zone with minimal responsibility. Deep fears are often at play: fear of failure, fear of rejection, low self-confidence. Sometimes difficulties with planning, time management, or mental health issues like anxiety or depression contribute. Occasionally, a person simply lacks positive experiences of success and doesn’t feel capable of influencing their own life. Altogether, this creates an internal conflict: they want freedom, but its consequences feel overwhelming.
— What role do parents play in this situation, often unintentionally?
— Parental influence is huge, though often unconscious. Sometimes the roots lie in overcontrol or, conversely, overprotection. Financial support without conditions or boundaries can unintentionally reinforce an infantile stance. Adult identity develops through experience, facing various situations, and processing the full range of emotions—including difficult ones like disappointment, helplessness, and frustration. If parents shielded the child from these experiences, not giving them manageable responsibilities, the person may not have developed a realistic understanding of the world or their own abilities.
— What keeps someone stuck in this state, like an anchor?
— There are several psychological anchors. First, the comfort of a familiar environment where everything is predictable and risk-free. Second, fear of responsibility for one’s decisions and their consequences. Third, fear that real “adult” life will be dull and fail to meet expectations, which are often inflated or illusory. The person may worry that trying to act could lead to failure and the loss of even the minimal stability they currently have.
— How can parents start a conversation without causing conflict, and instead help?
— The most important thing is to avoid blame, threats, or phrases like “you’re lazy” or “at your age, I…”. That will only trigger defensiveness and resistance. Instead, show genuine interest and allyship. You could say: “I see this is difficult for you. Let’s think together about how to move forward. What worries you the most?” Focus on collaborative problem-solving and clearly—but kindly—set new rules, for example, temporary limits on financial support.
— Are there concrete steps that can help a person get moving?
— Yes, and the key is lowering the bar. Don’t demand they find the perfect career immediately. Start small. For example, instead of “get a job,” suggest a short internship for a month or two. Help them create a very concrete plan: not “work on the resume,” but “describe your experience from the past three years on Tuesday evening.” Volunteer projects work very well—they relieve “financial” pressure but provide structure, experience, and socialization. And of course, seeing a psychologist can be the best step to address the roots of fear and insecurity.
— How can one distinguish healthy creative exploration from self-deception and escapism?
— The line runs through specific actions and goal-setting. Healthy exploration has clear boundaries: a goal (e.g., “I will learn a new profession in six months”), active steps toward it, and a defined budget. Self-deception often looks like vague dreams without a plan, coupled with ongoing financial dependence on family. This should be approached with support, but also with reasonable expectations, agreeing on clear conditions and deadlines.
— What can ultimately become a point of growth in this difficult situation?
— The main thing a person can do is honestly confront real life and take responsibility for it. Realizing that your life is entirely in your own hands sparks true motivation. It is important to ask yourself: What are my true values? What path do I see to a happy life? If the answers feel unattainable, don’t give up—instead, break a large goal into small, realistic steps, refining your skills along the way.
This path requires honesty with yourself and attention to your emotions, but it is precisely this journey that leads to genuine adulthood.
